Every time I Turn Around...

Every time I turn around, it seems I bump into another member of the adoption triad-adoptee, mother who had to relinquish her baby, or a parent who adopted a child.  All of them want or need to talk to someone who will not judge them.  There is so much pain, so much each wish they knew about the circumstances of their past or the past of their family members. 

I am studying communication and  my classes confirm what I always thought,  relationships  fail because there is not  good, open conversation between the members.  There are classes in interpersonal communication that should be required for all students from elementary through post graduate levels and in all disciplines.  We can solve problems unless we know how to explain that there are problems.  Mostly, we communicate the way our childhood family communicated.  That means there are many different ways from near silence to taking about everything openly and without reserve. 


Some families have lots of secrets, some seem to have nothing that is off-limits.  Imagine what happens when someone who had been told his or her mother had abandoned him or her and while searching the Internet, finds that mother and learns the truth.  Sometimes, it is a bitter divorce with a father who has more money and is able to gain full custody of the children.  In each case I've heard about, the mother was anxious to connect with her now adult children and introduce them to her family and his or her half-siblings.  I am hearing some great stories.  Even though they are not really adoption stories, the son or daughter believe their mother has abandoned them without reason, without caring.  The mothers have been kept from having contact with her children.  Your thoughts, please.


Until next time,
Alice

Late Discovery, Too Late

An acquaintance, I’ll call Becky, recently got back in town after being with her favorite aunt during the final days of her life.  Her aunt’s last words were, “I am your mother.”

Becky wanted me to tell her if I thought it was true.  I asked her to tell me more about her life and the relationship with her aunt and her mother.  Her mother died two years ago and did not want Auntie anywhere near her.  Becky said her mother always hated her sister while Becky felt a real closeness to Auntie.  Becky was 14 years younger than Auntie and cried every time Auntie came to visit and left again.  Auntie lived in an eastern city and Becky and parents lived on a farm in the mid-west.

Becky spent several hours talking aloud as she tried to put pieces together.  Many questions surfaced as she talked.  Was Auntie really her mother’s sister?  Was Auntie really her mother?  Age-wise Auntie could be her sister and not her mother’s sister.  Auntie could be her mother's daughter, for that matter.  Becky decided she would probably never know the truth about anything, but she had no doubt that Auntie was her mother.  It just felt right---and it felt good.  Becky had no children and neither did Auntie.  Her only brother had been killed in a car accident several years ago.  There was nobody left to ask.

Becky concluded, “It sure explains a lot of things, like why Mama never wanted me and Auntie to be together, even for a few minutes.  Mama always seemed to be jealous of auntie and her freedom.  I will never know who my father was, but Daddy was Mama’s second husband.  I don’t know what happened to her first husband.  There were so many things we never talked about---my whole life and now I will never know.”  She fell silent for several minutes and added, “I’m glad Auntie is -uh-was my mom.”

Becky left me with a lot to think about too.  Her aunt was in her late 80s and it was a very different time back then.  I would probably spend as much time as Becky just puzzling about the situation.  Both women had spent a lifetime living a lie while they each kept the secret.  So much pain for all concerned.

Until next time,
Alice

Diversity in Families

First things first, my article did not find a home where I sent it.  Not enough people would be interested.  Hm-m-m   I’m sending it out again.

I am taking a summer class dealing with diversity in our society.  Very good class, but I am now aware how an adoptee must surely feel when so much talk is about our cultural background, our ethnicity, so many things an adoptee would be unable to answer.  I truly believe we do have a culture of adoption, just as we have a culture of poverty and all the long recognized “culture of …”

Genealogy and bloodlines are very important to most people and an adoptee with no knowledge of who they are must feel as if they are not part of the human race.  How can an outsider explain it?  How can an adoptee explain it?   Even if we cannot explain or define it, we must make an effort to recognize that the feeling exists.  We must make the effort to change that.

We can work to open sealed adoption records for all adults.  We may not like the truth, but we can deal with it when we know what it is.  For the life of me, I cannot understand why another adult has the right to decide what is best for the adult adoptees.  That time has long gone (if it was ever there).

When we say nothing at all, we are condoning what others do or say.  If you believe adults have the right to decide what is best for themselves, say so.  Say so in lots of ways, letters to politicians, newspapers, on talk shows, write articles.  Be vocal.   Together, we can make a change.

Until next time,
Alice

How Can I Make a Difference?

After all of my research and listening to adoptees and first mothers, I have written an article that is trying to find a publisher.  I am advocating for opening all birth records for all adults.  I have just written a proposal for a workshop at the American Adoption Congress 32nd Annual Conference in April, 2011.  It will be months before I know if it is accepted.  In the meantime, you can provide ideas you want discussed and addressed. 

My topic is "Still a Nation of Slavery if..."  I will be addressing the fact that adoptees and first mothers must enlist the aid of outsiders in gaining open records and adoption reform.  We, the general public, have bought into the fact that adoption is the right answer for everyone involved.  Just as slaves could not have freed themselves, or women could not have won the right to vote without "outside" intervention, neither can adoptees and first mothers achieve opening sealed records and reform without "outside" help. 

Outsiders must be enlisted in this fight for social change, the fight to right wrongs of the past.  Read books, articles and check out the we sites.  I often refer to books  were written in the 90s to enforce the idea that these ideas are not new.  Newer books and articles reinforce what has been written.  Take time to educate yourself and then take action.

 The Spirit of Open Adoption
Adoption Life Cycle: The Children and Their Families Through the Years

Until next time,
Alice

happy Father's Day

 Happy Father's Day to all the "Dads" out there!

Remember Dad today (and every day).  That includes biological, adoptive, step-dad, foster dad, and anyone who acts as a dad.  Sometimes that is the neighbor, granddad, teacher, or someone else.  Sometimes that is the single mother acting as both parents.  Just let them know you appreciate them being there for you.

Remember: Love grows as it is spread around.  Love is never forgotten.

Until next time,
Alice

Add Dad: Men Who Become Adoptive Fathers
Melanie and Me: A Chinese Daughter Transforms Her Adoptive Dad

Why Can't They Just Appreciate A Good Home?

This has been a week of "Why can't they just appreciate having a good home?"  Five of those comments came from women who have adopted one or more children who are under age 13.  Women I suspect have given a baby up for adoption made two comments.  One women seems to have never had children.

The best I could tell them was to start reading the web sites and blogs that are about adoption to try to get a feel for what adoptees are feeling.  But you know what, one cannot "make" someone understand.  Each person has to get to that point with education and some never do.  Come on if anyone is reading this and make comments with your feelings.  We can make a difference, but it will take all of us working together.

Until next time,
Alice
Birthmothers: Women Who Have Relinquished Babies for Adoption Tell Their StoriesBecause I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption

Still a Sadness

It has been an interesting week.  I placed my books on the counter (I have a sewing shop) and listened for remarks.  My adoption book brought the most comments when nobody else was in here.  Mostly, about family members or friends that are adopted.

One woman in her late-70s said she lived on a farm when she was growing up and was raped by 3 men while they were working on the farm during harvest season.  She was embarrassed and didn’t tell anyone until her mother finally noticed her bulge.  The next morning, her dad drove her and one suitcase and put her on a Trailways bus with a one-way ticket to a city with a home for unwed mothers.  Her dad never uttered a word the whole way, she had to grab her suitcase before he drove away.  There was a motherly woman who met her at the bus station and she was treated very well at the home.

She never saw her baby but thinks she had a girl.  She doesn’t think she singed any papers and she was still underage anyway.  After that, she went to work for a farm couple helping care for the kids.  Though she was treated well, she wondered where her baby was.  Three years later, she married a young farm boy from a couple farms over.  They took a Trailways bus to the nearest city and started working in a factory.

They never had any children and her husband died 30 years ago from pneumonia.  She never remarried and she never went home.  

Customers came in and she left without telling me her name.  I hope she comes back.

There is still a sadness about her.

Until next time,
Alice
The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?