Still a Sadness

It has been an interesting week.  I placed my books on the counter (I have a sewing shop) and listened for remarks.  My adoption book brought the most comments when nobody else was in here.  Mostly, about family members or friends that are adopted.

One woman in her late-70s said she lived on a farm when she was growing up and was raped by 3 men while they were working on the farm during harvest season.  She was embarrassed and didn’t tell anyone until her mother finally noticed her bulge.  The next morning, her dad drove her and one suitcase and put her on a Trailways bus with a one-way ticket to a city with a home for unwed mothers.  Her dad never uttered a word the whole way, she had to grab her suitcase before he drove away.  There was a motherly woman who met her at the bus station and she was treated very well at the home.

She never saw her baby but thinks she had a girl.  She doesn’t think she singed any papers and she was still underage anyway.  After that, she went to work for a farm couple helping care for the kids.  Though she was treated well, she wondered where her baby was.  Three years later, she married a young farm boy from a couple farms over.  They took a Trailways bus to the nearest city and started working in a factory.

They never had any children and her husband died 30 years ago from pneumonia.  She never remarried and she never went home.  

Customers came in and she left without telling me her name.  I hope she comes back.

There is still a sadness about her.

Until next time,
Alice
The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?

Understanding the Pain on the Other Side

Let us try to bridge the huge gap between first mothers and adoptees by reading how the other feels on the subject.  I have so often heard remarks made about International mothers with many people seeming to believe they have no feelings.  Mothers are mothers and want the best for their children.  For many International mothers it is a matter of survival for their babies to give them up and hope they will be loved and cared for by someone.  In our own country, the United States, we are still telling single new mothers they are giving the greatest gift possible by giving their baby up for adoption.

Perhaps that is true for the adoptive parents, but this is not true for either the mother who gives birth or the new-born child.  Research is proving just how true this is.  Look at the number of search registries there are.  Look at the web sites and blogs there are.  Not convinced?  Look at the number of professional conferences there are.  Families are searching for one another even after many years of separation and not knowing where the other is and if they are alive or dead.  It is not unheard of to see families reunited after 60 or more years of separation.

Yes, family dynamics change, but for the most part all are glad reunion took place.  Mothers who gave their children up often say such things as, "What a blessing to not have to lie or to keep a secret,"  or "What a relief to be able to talk about my first child even if it is 35 years later."  

For those who think a mother from another country has no feelings, please read the book below.  There are great many others very good books too.  What are your favorites?  We must see the whole adoption issue with different eyes. I am not in favor of "fixing" something that is not broken, but clearly, adoption is broken and needs fixing.  We can help, but we must have a better understanding than most of us have right now.

Make it a point to read books by both first mothers and adoptees.  Check out many web sites and blogs.  Read books covering the whole triad. Search and Reunion in the Adoption Triangle: Towards a Framework for Agency Service to the Adoption Triad (Occasional Paper)The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?Mother and ChildAdoption and Ethics: The Impact of Adoption on Members of the Triad

Until next time,
Alice

Dreaming a World: Korean Birth Mothers Tell Their Stories Sangsoon Han

"Natural mother?" or "Birthmother?"

I have occasionally spoken with Karen Wilson-Buterbaugh, a mother who relinquished her baby.  She is fighting to use the term “natural mother” instead of “birthmother” for a woman is such a situation.  Apparently, there are many women who feel this way even though I have talked to very few.  Even those few say, “It makes the adoptive mother sound ‘unnatural’ and that is not good either.”  I leave this to you readers.  Please respond, anonymously if you like.  Here is Karen’s letter.  Check out her web site at http://www.babyscoopera.com/

"Natural mother" was the industry standard until the late 70s and into the 80s. There are reasons why the "birth" prefix is used today. It emotionally distances us from our children and them from us. That aids the agenda of the adoption industry which pulls in over $1.5 BILLION every year.

If one must distinguish, saying "exiled mother" is accurate and preferable to any other.  "Mother," of course is the MOST accurate because women who give birth are mothers. If anyone needs a qualifier, it is the adoptive mother.

Please don't aid and abet the adoption industry agenda. It's really frightening how these people are trying to redefine reality.

Reality based terms are always the right ones.

Mothers are mothers.  People who adopt are "adoptive." When people object to the "natural mother" term, exiled mother works.

I don't know the mothers to whom you are referring who feel uncomfortable with the use of "natural mother," but the many, many mothers of adoption loss who I know are adamant about not being referred to as walking uteruses. We are not breeders.  The "birth mother" term must be dispensed with. It is highly offensive, inaccurate, oppressive and down-right wrong.

The reason I wrote is because you said you didn't want to be part of the problem.  Word injure and hurt. They are often times weapons used against the disenfranchised. Those living on the margins which is where the industry has banished exiled mothers to! We are now fighting for our voice and our rights. One of those rights, which was taken from us, along with our babies (i.e., our MOTHERhood), is labeling. Back during the Baby Scoop Era we were referring to (i.e., labeled) as "unwed mothers."  Today the industry has decided to change the labeling to "birth mother." This started with Pearl S. Buck in 1955 and then again in 1956. Marietta Spencer then took the reins of that term and ran with it. It was NOT coined by an exiled mother, as CUB claims. Buck adopted. Spencer was an adoption social worker. They apparently knew each other.

You may use any of my explanations in your blog if you'd like. I have the research to prove them.

Thank you!

BEST,
KarenWB


From Alice again.  I have not found anyone who wants to use "exiled mother."  Is there a term that can be used to unify everyone, such as "woman who gave me life" or WWGML?  Probably not, but there are so many factions with strong ideas that the entire system is fractured.  I am not implying that any of them are wrong!  We need unifying terminology for those trying to understand "what is broken" and "what needs to be fixed" with the adoption system.  Motherhood Silenced: The Experiences of Natural Mothers on Adoption Reunion


Until next time,
Alice

Getting Heard

I try to read a few of the blogs and web sites on adoption every night.  I always check Adoption Experience Workshop by adoptee, Joy Miller, since I know her.  Today's blog post has a great idea that is inexpensive and would let folks know there is another side to adoption and let adoptees and birthmothers know there are resources and emotional support for them.  She is advocating for putting short ads in the adoption section of newspapers with the ads seeking homes for babies or ads seeking babies for families.  Read what she has to say at  http://adoptionexperienceworkshop.blogspot.com/

I cannot improve on  Joy's suggestion, so until next time,
Alice
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