Book Lists on Adoption

There are many book lists on adoption.  Most are written by one of the adoption triad---adoptee, parent giving birth, or adoptive parent.  I was just recently looking at the books listed on the Post Adoption Center for Education and Research of California (PACER) web site http://pacer-adoption.org many of these books can be purchased from Amazon.com 

If you are really interested in what is right and what is wrong with the adoption process, take time to read several of these books from each prospective.  You may be surprised and want to know more .

Until next time,
Alice

Parents Marry After Relenquishing Baby

It's been a busy and hectic week, Folks.  I have talked with at least one partner of five different couples who relinquished their baby and later married.  One other couple was married and decided it was best for the baby to give her a better home than they could afford at the time.

One couple never brought up the subject after they married.  Three of the couples silently have a cake with one candle on their baby's Birthday, but have never told the kids about the older sibling.  One couple divorced after five years and remarried eight years later.  The partners I spoke with wondered if they had the right to search for the baby (now an adult) they let go.

Question:  What do you think?  Have you been there?  What comments and advice do you offer?

I told them to by all means start the search today.  There were several first mothers that addressed this issue at the American Adoption Congress Conference.  Some had found the "lost" child and two were searching.  Reuniting was a blessing for all even though at least one set had not formed a close bond-yet.

Until next time,
Alice 
 
Adoption and Ethics: The Impact of Adoption on Members of the Triad
Adoption Forum: Intimate Discussions Search and Reunion in the Adoption Triangle: Towards a Framework for Agency Service to the Adoption Triad (Occasional Paper) 

Understanding the Pain on the Other Side

Let us try to bridge the huge gap between first mothers and adoptees by reading how the other feels on the subject.  I have so often heard remarks made about International mothers with many people seeming to believe they have no feelings.  Mothers are mothers and want the best for their children.  For many International mothers it is a matter of survival for their babies to give them up and hope they will be loved and cared for by someone.  In our own country, the United States, we are still telling single new mothers they are giving the greatest gift possible by giving their baby up for adoption.

Perhaps that is true for the adoptive parents, but this is not true for either the mother who gives birth or the new-born child.  Research is proving just how true this is.  Look at the number of search registries there are.  Look at the web sites and blogs there are.  Not convinced?  Look at the number of professional conferences there are.  Families are searching for one another even after many years of separation and not knowing where the other is and if they are alive or dead.  It is not unheard of to see families reunited after 60 or more years of separation.

Yes, family dynamics change, but for the most part all are glad reunion took place.  Mothers who gave their children up often say such things as, "What a blessing to not have to lie or to keep a secret,"  or "What a relief to be able to talk about my first child even if it is 35 years later."  

For those who think a mother from another country has no feelings, please read the book below.  There are great many others very good books too.  What are your favorites?  We must see the whole adoption issue with different eyes. I am not in favor of "fixing" something that is not broken, but clearly, adoption is broken and needs fixing.  We can help, but we must have a better understanding than most of us have right now.

Make it a point to read books by both first mothers and adoptees.  Check out many web sites and blogs.  Read books covering the whole triad. Search and Reunion in the Adoption Triangle: Towards a Framework for Agency Service to the Adoption Triad (Occasional Paper)The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?Mother and ChildAdoption and Ethics: The Impact of Adoption on Members of the Triad

Until next time,
Alice

Dreaming a World: Korean Birth Mothers Tell Their Stories Sangsoon Han

I’m convinced

I have been asking those I have known while doing research what word they prefer if “birthmother” is not used.  Out of 17, only one was comfortable with natural mother, but all agreed that first mother would be okay.  At least, 14 were minors and had no say in the matter.  They all felt their parents made the best choice they knew how to make at the time.  They felt sure they would continue to be “birthmothers” because they are comfortable with it.  Yes, habits and terminology change slowly.

I do believe we need a term that is least painful to as many mothers as possible.  I will try to remember to use “first mother” in my writings, at least until a more acceptable term comes along (if there is one).  Please keep the comments coming.  This is how change comes about---one person at a time.

Whatever part of the triad you are, check out the different web sites and blogs to get other views.  It seems that each person feels they are the only one who has been dealing with the pain of adoption.  This simply is not true.  Each of the triad dealt with pain.  Adoption changes the lives of everyone, not just the individual.

For those who just want to understand what the “adoption discussion” is all about, be sure you view a mix of web sites and blogs by the triad.  There are numerous books and articles on the subject, mostly written by one of the triad, but not all.  The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?

Consider attending a conference about adoption.  There are several and I will mention them closer to the dates.

Until next time,
Alice

More on Terminology and an Oops

Oops!  I got this ready to post and forgot to do it Sunday afternoon.  Thanks, Friend, for reminding me.

Thanks so much for the comments to the previous post, also to those who know me and have called with comments.  All are thoughtful and sobering.  Many show the pain the mother is still feeling.  The only way that I can relate is having a little boy who died at 13 months and one at 33 hours plus several miscarriages.  I know one does not forget any of them, but at least, I know what happened to them.

There are some things I do know.  Whatever I say, I will offend someone.  Some will think I am making the matter worse and perhaps I am even though that is not my intent.  I find that folks who “know nothing about adoption” has a terrible time figuring out what the fuss is all about.  I do know for myself, that I will continue to try to bring all the factions together so we can work on all of the issues together.  I also know as one woman told me, “Alice, you will be the most hated or the most loved person on the planet if you can do what you ae trying to do.”  I suspect it will be the first of the two.  I will risk it if I can ease even a few people’s pain.


 Adoption Forum: Intimate Discussions to Unite the Triad in HealingMother and Child 



Until next time,
Alice