Understanding the Pain on the Other Side

Let us try to bridge the huge gap between first mothers and adoptees by reading how the other feels on the subject.  I have so often heard remarks made about International mothers with many people seeming to believe they have no feelings.  Mothers are mothers and want the best for their children.  For many International mothers it is a matter of survival for their babies to give them up and hope they will be loved and cared for by someone.  In our own country, the United States, we are still telling single new mothers they are giving the greatest gift possible by giving their baby up for adoption.

Perhaps that is true for the adoptive parents, but this is not true for either the mother who gives birth or the new-born child.  Research is proving just how true this is.  Look at the number of search registries there are.  Look at the web sites and blogs there are.  Not convinced?  Look at the number of professional conferences there are.  Families are searching for one another even after many years of separation and not knowing where the other is and if they are alive or dead.  It is not unheard of to see families reunited after 60 or more years of separation.

Yes, family dynamics change, but for the most part all are glad reunion took place.  Mothers who gave their children up often say such things as, "What a blessing to not have to lie or to keep a secret,"  or "What a relief to be able to talk about my first child even if it is 35 years later."  

For those who think a mother from another country has no feelings, please read the book below.  There are great many others very good books too.  What are your favorites?  We must see the whole adoption issue with different eyes. I am not in favor of "fixing" something that is not broken, but clearly, adoption is broken and needs fixing.  We can help, but we must have a better understanding than most of us have right now.

Make it a point to read books by both first mothers and adoptees.  Check out many web sites and blogs.  Read books covering the whole triad. Search and Reunion in the Adoption Triangle: Towards a Framework for Agency Service to the Adoption Triad (Occasional Paper)The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?Mother and ChildAdoption and Ethics: The Impact of Adoption on Members of the Triad

Until next time,
Alice

Dreaming a World: Korean Birth Mothers Tell Their Stories Sangsoon Han