Every time I Turn Around...

Every time I turn around, it seems I bump into another member of the adoption triad-adoptee, mother who had to relinquish her baby, or a parent who adopted a child.  All of them want or need to talk to someone who will not judge them.  There is so much pain, so much each wish they knew about the circumstances of their past or the past of their family members. 

I am studying communication and  my classes confirm what I always thought,  relationships  fail because there is not  good, open conversation between the members.  There are classes in interpersonal communication that should be required for all students from elementary through post graduate levels and in all disciplines.  We can solve problems unless we know how to explain that there are problems.  Mostly, we communicate the way our childhood family communicated.  That means there are many different ways from near silence to taking about everything openly and without reserve. 


Some families have lots of secrets, some seem to have nothing that is off-limits.  Imagine what happens when someone who had been told his or her mother had abandoned him or her and while searching the Internet, finds that mother and learns the truth.  Sometimes, it is a bitter divorce with a father who has more money and is able to gain full custody of the children.  In each case I've heard about, the mother was anxious to connect with her now adult children and introduce them to her family and his or her half-siblings.  I am hearing some great stories.  Even though they are not really adoption stories, the son or daughter believe their mother has abandoned them without reason, without caring.  The mothers have been kept from having contact with her children.  Your thoughts, please.


Until next time,
Alice

Late Discovery, Too Late

An acquaintance, I’ll call Becky, recently got back in town after being with her favorite aunt during the final days of her life.  Her aunt’s last words were, “I am your mother.”

Becky wanted me to tell her if I thought it was true.  I asked her to tell me more about her life and the relationship with her aunt and her mother.  Her mother died two years ago and did not want Auntie anywhere near her.  Becky said her mother always hated her sister while Becky felt a real closeness to Auntie.  Becky was 14 years younger than Auntie and cried every time Auntie came to visit and left again.  Auntie lived in an eastern city and Becky and parents lived on a farm in the mid-west.

Becky spent several hours talking aloud as she tried to put pieces together.  Many questions surfaced as she talked.  Was Auntie really her mother’s sister?  Was Auntie really her mother?  Age-wise Auntie could be her sister and not her mother’s sister.  Auntie could be her mother's daughter, for that matter.  Becky decided she would probably never know the truth about anything, but she had no doubt that Auntie was her mother.  It just felt right---and it felt good.  Becky had no children and neither did Auntie.  Her only brother had been killed in a car accident several years ago.  There was nobody left to ask.

Becky concluded, “It sure explains a lot of things, like why Mama never wanted me and Auntie to be together, even for a few minutes.  Mama always seemed to be jealous of auntie and her freedom.  I will never know who my father was, but Daddy was Mama’s second husband.  I don’t know what happened to her first husband.  There were so many things we never talked about---my whole life and now I will never know.”  She fell silent for several minutes and added, “I’m glad Auntie is -uh-was my mom.”

Becky left me with a lot to think about too.  Her aunt was in her late 80s and it was a very different time back then.  I would probably spend as much time as Becky just puzzling about the situation.  Both women had spent a lifetime living a lie while they each kept the secret.  So much pain for all concerned.

Until next time,
Alice

Diversity in Families

First things first, my article did not find a home where I sent it.  Not enough people would be interested.  Hm-m-m   I’m sending it out again.

I am taking a summer class dealing with diversity in our society.  Very good class, but I am now aware how an adoptee must surely feel when so much talk is about our cultural background, our ethnicity, so many things an adoptee would be unable to answer.  I truly believe we do have a culture of adoption, just as we have a culture of poverty and all the long recognized “culture of …”

Genealogy and bloodlines are very important to most people and an adoptee with no knowledge of who they are must feel as if they are not part of the human race.  How can an outsider explain it?  How can an adoptee explain it?   Even if we cannot explain or define it, we must make an effort to recognize that the feeling exists.  We must make the effort to change that.

We can work to open sealed adoption records for all adults.  We may not like the truth, but we can deal with it when we know what it is.  For the life of me, I cannot understand why another adult has the right to decide what is best for the adult adoptees.  That time has long gone (if it was ever there).

When we say nothing at all, we are condoning what others do or say.  If you believe adults have the right to decide what is best for themselves, say so.  Say so in lots of ways, letters to politicians, newspapers, on talk shows, write articles.  Be vocal.   Together, we can make a change.

Until next time,
Alice

How Can I Make a Difference?

After all of my research and listening to adoptees and first mothers, I have written an article that is trying to find a publisher.  I am advocating for opening all birth records for all adults.  I have just written a proposal for a workshop at the American Adoption Congress 32nd Annual Conference in April, 2011.  It will be months before I know if it is accepted.  In the meantime, you can provide ideas you want discussed and addressed. 

My topic is "Still a Nation of Slavery if..."  I will be addressing the fact that adoptees and first mothers must enlist the aid of outsiders in gaining open records and adoption reform.  We, the general public, have bought into the fact that adoption is the right answer for everyone involved.  Just as slaves could not have freed themselves, or women could not have won the right to vote without "outside" intervention, neither can adoptees and first mothers achieve opening sealed records and reform without "outside" help. 

Outsiders must be enlisted in this fight for social change, the fight to right wrongs of the past.  Read books, articles and check out the we sites.  I often refer to books  were written in the 90s to enforce the idea that these ideas are not new.  Newer books and articles reinforce what has been written.  Take time to educate yourself and then take action.

 The Spirit of Open Adoption
Adoption Life Cycle: The Children and Their Families Through the Years

Until next time,
Alice

happy Father's Day

 Happy Father's Day to all the "Dads" out there!

Remember Dad today (and every day).  That includes biological, adoptive, step-dad, foster dad, and anyone who acts as a dad.  Sometimes that is the neighbor, granddad, teacher, or someone else.  Sometimes that is the single mother acting as both parents.  Just let them know you appreciate them being there for you.

Remember: Love grows as it is spread around.  Love is never forgotten.

Until next time,
Alice

Add Dad: Men Who Become Adoptive Fathers
Melanie and Me: A Chinese Daughter Transforms Her Adoptive Dad

Why Can't They Just Appreciate A Good Home?

This has been a week of "Why can't they just appreciate having a good home?"  Five of those comments came from women who have adopted one or more children who are under age 13.  Women I suspect have given a baby up for adoption made two comments.  One women seems to have never had children.

The best I could tell them was to start reading the web sites and blogs that are about adoption to try to get a feel for what adoptees are feeling.  But you know what, one cannot "make" someone understand.  Each person has to get to that point with education and some never do.  Come on if anyone is reading this and make comments with your feelings.  We can make a difference, but it will take all of us working together.

Until next time,
Alice
Birthmothers: Women Who Have Relinquished Babies for Adoption Tell Their StoriesBecause I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption

Still a Sadness

It has been an interesting week.  I placed my books on the counter (I have a sewing shop) and listened for remarks.  My adoption book brought the most comments when nobody else was in here.  Mostly, about family members or friends that are adopted.

One woman in her late-70s said she lived on a farm when she was growing up and was raped by 3 men while they were working on the farm during harvest season.  She was embarrassed and didn’t tell anyone until her mother finally noticed her bulge.  The next morning, her dad drove her and one suitcase and put her on a Trailways bus with a one-way ticket to a city with a home for unwed mothers.  Her dad never uttered a word the whole way, she had to grab her suitcase before he drove away.  There was a motherly woman who met her at the bus station and she was treated very well at the home.

She never saw her baby but thinks she had a girl.  She doesn’t think she singed any papers and she was still underage anyway.  After that, she went to work for a farm couple helping care for the kids.  Though she was treated well, she wondered where her baby was.  Three years later, she married a young farm boy from a couple farms over.  They took a Trailways bus to the nearest city and started working in a factory.

They never had any children and her husband died 30 years ago from pneumonia.  She never remarried and she never went home.  

Customers came in and she left without telling me her name.  I hope she comes back.

There is still a sadness about her.

Until next time,
Alice
The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?

Book Lists on Adoption

There are many book lists on adoption.  Most are written by one of the adoption triad---adoptee, parent giving birth, or adoptive parent.  I was just recently looking at the books listed on the Post Adoption Center for Education and Research of California (PACER) web site http://pacer-adoption.org many of these books can be purchased from Amazon.com 

If you are really interested in what is right and what is wrong with the adoption process, take time to read several of these books from each prospective.  You may be surprised and want to know more .

Until next time,
Alice

Parents Marry After Relenquishing Baby

It's been a busy and hectic week, Folks.  I have talked with at least one partner of five different couples who relinquished their baby and later married.  One other couple was married and decided it was best for the baby to give her a better home than they could afford at the time.

One couple never brought up the subject after they married.  Three of the couples silently have a cake with one candle on their baby's Birthday, but have never told the kids about the older sibling.  One couple divorced after five years and remarried eight years later.  The partners I spoke with wondered if they had the right to search for the baby (now an adult) they let go.

Question:  What do you think?  Have you been there?  What comments and advice do you offer?

I told them to by all means start the search today.  There were several first mothers that addressed this issue at the American Adoption Congress Conference.  Some had found the "lost" child and two were searching.  Reuniting was a blessing for all even though at least one set had not formed a close bond-yet.

Until next time,
Alice 
 
Adoption and Ethics: The Impact of Adoption on Members of the Triad
Adoption Forum: Intimate Discussions Search and Reunion in the Adoption Triangle: Towards a Framework for Agency Service to the Adoption Triad (Occasional Paper) 

Understanding the Pain on the Other Side

Let us try to bridge the huge gap between first mothers and adoptees by reading how the other feels on the subject.  I have so often heard remarks made about International mothers with many people seeming to believe they have no feelings.  Mothers are mothers and want the best for their children.  For many International mothers it is a matter of survival for their babies to give them up and hope they will be loved and cared for by someone.  In our own country, the United States, we are still telling single new mothers they are giving the greatest gift possible by giving their baby up for adoption.

Perhaps that is true for the adoptive parents, but this is not true for either the mother who gives birth or the new-born child.  Research is proving just how true this is.  Look at the number of search registries there are.  Look at the web sites and blogs there are.  Not convinced?  Look at the number of professional conferences there are.  Families are searching for one another even after many years of separation and not knowing where the other is and if they are alive or dead.  It is not unheard of to see families reunited after 60 or more years of separation.

Yes, family dynamics change, but for the most part all are glad reunion took place.  Mothers who gave their children up often say such things as, "What a blessing to not have to lie or to keep a secret,"  or "What a relief to be able to talk about my first child even if it is 35 years later."  

For those who think a mother from another country has no feelings, please read the book below.  There are great many others very good books too.  What are your favorites?  We must see the whole adoption issue with different eyes. I am not in favor of "fixing" something that is not broken, but clearly, adoption is broken and needs fixing.  We can help, but we must have a better understanding than most of us have right now.

Make it a point to read books by both first mothers and adoptees.  Check out many web sites and blogs.  Read books covering the whole triad. Search and Reunion in the Adoption Triangle: Towards a Framework for Agency Service to the Adoption Triad (Occasional Paper)The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?Mother and ChildAdoption and Ethics: The Impact of Adoption on Members of the Triad

Until next time,
Alice

Dreaming a World: Korean Birth Mothers Tell Their Stories Sangsoon Han

I’m convinced

I have been asking those I have known while doing research what word they prefer if “birthmother” is not used.  Out of 17, only one was comfortable with natural mother, but all agreed that first mother would be okay.  At least, 14 were minors and had no say in the matter.  They all felt their parents made the best choice they knew how to make at the time.  They felt sure they would continue to be “birthmothers” because they are comfortable with it.  Yes, habits and terminology change slowly.

I do believe we need a term that is least painful to as many mothers as possible.  I will try to remember to use “first mother” in my writings, at least until a more acceptable term comes along (if there is one).  Please keep the comments coming.  This is how change comes about---one person at a time.

Whatever part of the triad you are, check out the different web sites and blogs to get other views.  It seems that each person feels they are the only one who has been dealing with the pain of adoption.  This simply is not true.  Each of the triad dealt with pain.  Adoption changes the lives of everyone, not just the individual.

For those who just want to understand what the “adoption discussion” is all about, be sure you view a mix of web sites and blogs by the triad.  There are numerous books and articles on the subject, mostly written by one of the triad, but not all.  The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?

Consider attending a conference about adoption.  There are several and I will mention them closer to the dates.

Until next time,
Alice

More on Terminology and an Oops

Oops!  I got this ready to post and forgot to do it Sunday afternoon.  Thanks, Friend, for reminding me.

Thanks so much for the comments to the previous post, also to those who know me and have called with comments.  All are thoughtful and sobering.  Many show the pain the mother is still feeling.  The only way that I can relate is having a little boy who died at 13 months and one at 33 hours plus several miscarriages.  I know one does not forget any of them, but at least, I know what happened to them.

There are some things I do know.  Whatever I say, I will offend someone.  Some will think I am making the matter worse and perhaps I am even though that is not my intent.  I find that folks who “know nothing about adoption” has a terrible time figuring out what the fuss is all about.  I do know for myself, that I will continue to try to bring all the factions together so we can work on all of the issues together.  I also know as one woman told me, “Alice, you will be the most hated or the most loved person on the planet if you can do what you ae trying to do.”  I suspect it will be the first of the two.  I will risk it if I can ease even a few people’s pain.


 Adoption Forum: Intimate Discussions to Unite the Triad in HealingMother and Child 



Until next time,
Alice

"Natural mother?" or "Birthmother?"

I have occasionally spoken with Karen Wilson-Buterbaugh, a mother who relinquished her baby.  She is fighting to use the term “natural mother” instead of “birthmother” for a woman is such a situation.  Apparently, there are many women who feel this way even though I have talked to very few.  Even those few say, “It makes the adoptive mother sound ‘unnatural’ and that is not good either.”  I leave this to you readers.  Please respond, anonymously if you like.  Here is Karen’s letter.  Check out her web site at http://www.babyscoopera.com/

"Natural mother" was the industry standard until the late 70s and into the 80s. There are reasons why the "birth" prefix is used today. It emotionally distances us from our children and them from us. That aids the agenda of the adoption industry which pulls in over $1.5 BILLION every year.

If one must distinguish, saying "exiled mother" is accurate and preferable to any other.  "Mother," of course is the MOST accurate because women who give birth are mothers. If anyone needs a qualifier, it is the adoptive mother.

Please don't aid and abet the adoption industry agenda. It's really frightening how these people are trying to redefine reality.

Reality based terms are always the right ones.

Mothers are mothers.  People who adopt are "adoptive." When people object to the "natural mother" term, exiled mother works.

I don't know the mothers to whom you are referring who feel uncomfortable with the use of "natural mother," but the many, many mothers of adoption loss who I know are adamant about not being referred to as walking uteruses. We are not breeders.  The "birth mother" term must be dispensed with. It is highly offensive, inaccurate, oppressive and down-right wrong.

The reason I wrote is because you said you didn't want to be part of the problem.  Word injure and hurt. They are often times weapons used against the disenfranchised. Those living on the margins which is where the industry has banished exiled mothers to! We are now fighting for our voice and our rights. One of those rights, which was taken from us, along with our babies (i.e., our MOTHERhood), is labeling. Back during the Baby Scoop Era we were referring to (i.e., labeled) as "unwed mothers."  Today the industry has decided to change the labeling to "birth mother." This started with Pearl S. Buck in 1955 and then again in 1956. Marietta Spencer then took the reins of that term and ran with it. It was NOT coined by an exiled mother, as CUB claims. Buck adopted. Spencer was an adoption social worker. They apparently knew each other.

You may use any of my explanations in your blog if you'd like. I have the research to prove them.

Thank you!

BEST,
KarenWB


From Alice again.  I have not found anyone who wants to use "exiled mother."  Is there a term that can be used to unify everyone, such as "woman who gave me life" or WWGML?  Probably not, but there are so many factions with strong ideas that the entire system is fractured.  I am not implying that any of them are wrong!  We need unifying terminology for those trying to understand "what is broken" and "what needs to be fixed" with the adoption system.  Motherhood Silenced: The Experiences of Natural Mothers on Adoption Reunion


Until next time,
Alice

Getting Heard

I try to read a few of the blogs and web sites on adoption every night.  I always check Adoption Experience Workshop by adoptee, Joy Miller, since I know her.  Today's blog post has a great idea that is inexpensive and would let folks know there is another side to adoption and let adoptees and birthmothers know there are resources and emotional support for them.  She is advocating for putting short ads in the adoption section of newspapers with the ads seeking homes for babies or ads seeking babies for families.  Read what she has to say at  http://adoptionexperienceworkshop.blogspot.com/

I cannot improve on  Joy's suggestion, so until next time,
Alice
Search Amazon.com for adoptees and birthmothers

Unseen Connection

In the 12 or more years I have been trying to answer the question “why can’t adoptees just be content to have loving parents and a happy home?”  I have a better understanding of unseen forces now than I ever have.  I cannot see electricity, my voice on the phone wire, or how this computer can send things around the world, but I know it happens.  I cannot see what makes the tides come and go or what makes fish, birds, and animals migrate, but I know the “unseen” pull is powerful.  There are many other things that are powerful and unseen such as prayer, wind, sexual attraction, and love.

Why wouldn’t a baby who spent nine months growing and hearing a world from inside his or her mother not have a connection to her?  It seems like a no-brainer to me and has for a very long time, way before I began to understand the “need” to search for that connection when there was an early separation.  Just today I had that same old conversation about the adoptee being whiney and ungrateful.  I know I did not convince her that neither of those words applies to the situation.  Yes, she is an adoptive mother and feeling very threatened.  She is sure her teenage daughters have no thoughts of seeking that other person.  I happen to know that they are waiting until they are old enough to do their own search.  They love their mother and understand her insecurity.  (I may wish I had not written this if she ever reads it, but the girls said to go ahead.)

These girls (young women, if you will) have spent endless hours playing games about who their mother and father are since they are apparently unrelated.  They both recall when mom caught them “play-like other mothers” when they were really little.  One says, “Mom almost passed out when she realized what we were doing.  She was so hurt!  We never let her catch us again, but it was our favorite game---looking at people and trying to guess if they were related to us.”   They never intend to tell her when they search or when they find their “other family” because neither one would hurt her for the world, but both say they “have to, absolutely have to search.”

My question is-how could there not be a connection?  Share your thoughts.

Until next time,
Alice

Check out the Resource Links

Please check out the links at the side to educate yourself on the issues of adoption.  You will have more “food for thought” than you ever thought possible.  The web sites will introduce you to advocates for opening all adoption records so adopted adults can get their birth certificates and find out who they really are.  You will find out what the states are doing about such bills to do just that.  There are search registries to assist those searching for family separated by adoption.  If you are part of the adoption triad, you will find others suffering as you are and be able to make a connection.

In the meantime, I will keep trying to refine this blog.  Share the interesting items you find with us.  Tell me when I’ve gotten it all wrong.  I want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. 

Until next time,
Alice

Keeping my Promise

At the AAC Conference, I said I would help right a great injustice to the adoption triad, especially birthmothers and adoptees.  I am working on an article that I hope will be published in a major magazine.  I expect many of you have done that too.  On a smaller scale, Joy Miller, an adoptee, and I are co-hosting a public meeting at our local library on Sunday, April 25, 2010 to talk about what we learned at the AAC Conference.  I will be adding links to organizations on our attendee list.  Please be patient as I learn how to make the components of this blog do what I want them to do.  So far I have not mastered that.  It is somewhat like a cat that does as it pleases or nothing at all.  I will keep working at it!  Be sure to check Joy's blog, Adoption Experience Workshop.

I have learned that the estimated population of Missouri in 2009 was about 6 million, which is the estimated number of adoptees in the United States.  If there are a million and a half adoptees that cannot get their birth certificates, that is equal to Idaho's population. 

Until next time,
Alice

Who am I really?

“We once thought adoption was the answer to everyone’s dilemma.  The mother could get on with her life.  The baby would have a wonderful home.  The new parents would have a child of their own.  Now, we know this has never been true.  Everyone involved was suffering and unable to voice the pain.”

This is the quote on the front of my book, “The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?” published 2009 by Porch Light Press and available at Amazon.

New Blog Adoption Issues

We will talk about the reality the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptee, and adoptive parents) face for a lifetime. We will advocate for every adoptee to be able to obtain their original birth certificate.  What!  You did not know that over a million adult adopted citizens do not have that right?  This blog is for you.